Eco House is for sale, before I lose my sanity

When I came to Utila, I wanted to simplify my life and live one with the nature, more or less like a hermit. But, that was too easy, I had to go and start an Eco House, a small eco lodge with 3 rental units. and that is where problems started. Renting rooms means tourists. They want to come and refuse to just send you the money.

If I never see another tourist, it will be just fine with me. I have been running the Eco House for four years now and I have to stop, before I end up in jail for strangling someone.
I am a social person, friendly and kind most of the time. That means that I treat my guests like long lost friends. I pick them up when they arrive. I offer them cool beer when they settle in. I give them tips where to go, where to dive, where to shop. I supply free water, free washing machine, free cooking gas, the electricity, cable TV and internet are included in the price. What more can anyone want? Well, what they want is to get it all for free. What, the detergent is not included? And I should do something with the climate, it is way too hot. And by the way, the bugs are enormous, could I clean the jungle of animals and bugs, please? And what about that garbage in town? We should do something. And really, what language people speak here? It does not sound like any English we have ever heard. What, it was Spanish? Why do they speak Spanish? Because we are in Honduras? What has that got to do with anything?
The last drop was last week when my guest came and told me that they were not prepared to pay for an additional night. They do want to stay, but they do not want to pay. It was night already. Should I have kicked them out? Or let them stay one more night for free, and just get the hell out of my sight? You can guess what I did.
No more tourists for me, at least if I ever manage to sell the house. I met some wonderful people and for that I am grateful but the majority of humans baffle me.
If you are looking for a cheap house in the Caribbean, here are the details:

Ocean view, 3 bed 2 bath 2 story house in the lush tropical garden. 0.1 acre land, mature garden. Fully fenced, secure and safe, in a quiet residential neighborhood, 10 min walk from town center. Furnished, all appliances, dishes, linen etc. Just bring swimming suit. $140,000
Come for a visit and check it out. Contact me at ecohouseutila@yahoo.com

Pass the word, help me sell the house and save my sanity. I want to be a hermit. I am too old for this $#&@.

Teenagers in heat

My three months old kitten Lilo is in heat. She has been howling for days (and nights), rolling on the ground and rubbing herself on my old (neutered) cats and old (neutered and/or female) dogs. Other animals are puzzled by such outrageous behavior, but since she is a baby, they are used to her being a pest and are just ignoring her. My kitten's behavior is not uncommon and is well known to the parents of teenagers in Utila. Or elsewhere. Tiny girls wearing high heals, makeup and hooker-style clothes are in fashion. So are teenage pregnancies. In Utila, baby is a fashion accessory, at least until she or he is 3 years old and not so cute any more. Something in the water, maybe? Raunchy TV novellas/soap operas they watch hungrily and regularly? Plain boredom? Or total lack of sense of reality and responsibility which should normally come from healthy family life. So, as a consequence, we have 35-years old grandmothers. And kids running around like stray puppies. Do I have a solution? Our vet Loretta is opened every second Tuesday between 10 and 12. She does free spaying and neutering, donations are welcome. Until then, I am going to chase Lilo and equip her with a miniature chastity belt, before she finds the ugliest, mangiest tom on the island and scratch her itch.
Your grumpy old pet gran
Marina

Eco House Utila

Getting laid in your 60's - another reason to move to Utila

My son finally showed some mercy and came to spend two weeks with me in Utila. He is a great kid (well, kid is relative, he is 37) and we have wonderful relationship, when we are together. In the meantime, I have to go to the Facebook to see if he is alive. I heard that it is one use of the Facebook nobody talks about, but fairly common. Anyway, we had lot of fun: we hiked, cooked, drank, swam, met all my friends and in general had a blast. He lives in New York, and he enlightened me about the life in the Big Apple, which I last visited in 2000. Among many other delights, New York is great for single men, because there are far more available women, and there is a sense of desperation in the air. Although my son told me that it was far too much information, I told him that we do not have that problem on the island, and that even I, now 59, can get regular nooky. Thank god for Latinos. They genuinely love women. They love us tall, short, thin, fat, dark and pink. You smile at them and they get excited. Don't get me wrong, I am not the exception. Many of my female friends in Utila have the same experience. So, I was thinking, why don't we start sex industry in Utila: Sex for Senior Ladies. Everyone would have to sign a waiver, since our medical care has a lot to be desired, and Latinos being studs that they are. Also, no meaningful relationships available. Just pure fun. Any tourist agencies out there interested in working on this? Happy holidays, everyone.

About Utila

Utila is one of those places that exist in their own dimension, not fitting in any category. One of the three islands off the Honduran northern coast, surrounded by the breath-taking beauty of coral reefs, it has been popular among diving enthusiasts for quite some time. It is a tropical paradise, green and lush, surrounded by dazzlingly blue sea. It is also a place lost in time, stuck somewhere in the 50's , with its wooden houses with peeling paint and rusted roofs and overgrown bougainvilleas.

Utila’s native population is blond and white, or black and tall, or combination thereof, these two groups — former pirates and former slaves — mixing for generations, both groups speaking English. Fresh blood, and the Spanish language, came from the Honduran mainland in the form of laborers who arrived looking for better jobs, liked it in Utila, brought their families and now compose more than 50 percent of Utila’s population. A small but interesting group are foreigners who made Utila their home. Each has a story, but it takes a few beers to get it.

Although local environmentalists fret, the reefs are still healthy and teeming with life, but that might change quickly if nothing is done to prevent degradation which is often the result of increased tourism or population growth combined with poor education and a general lack of care. Responsibility lays with each one of us, visitors and locals.

There is more to do in Utila than just dive: snorkeling is wonderful as the reefs are very close to the coast, hiking through the jungle can take you to one of many deserted beaches, kayaking in the lagoon will enable you to see the world of mangroves which covers most of Utila.

Night life, and often part of the day life, goes on in the many picturesque bars which line Utila’s main drag, or are hanging over the water on wooden decks. The music is a mix that reflects the diversity of the inhabitants — there is something for everyone: from Reggae and techno, to popular Latin songs, and to the surprise of many foreigners, country and Western. Of course, the music can be listened to only at profoundly high decibel levels.

Utila, like all Bay Islands, have taken a beating with the unstable political situation in Honduras. The foreigners living permanently on the island made a huge effort to pass a word to the outside world that the island was completely out of the Honduran politics, enjoying peace and harmony when the rest of the country suffered unrest and riots. The diversity of population taught local people the value of respect for other people’s beliefs and opinions, and whatever differences exit could easily be resolved over a shared bottle of beer.

You will fall in love with Utila and will not be able to say why. It goes under your skin. Whether it’s the slow pace of life, the friendliness, originality and warmth of its people, or a rustic charm hard to find in popular tourist destinations, does not matter. You will come back, almost everyone does, and you will be surprised how little has changed since your last visit, as though time passes less quickly in Utila.

Speaking in tongues

I was looking forward to learning Spanish in Honduras. Little did I know that, in Utila, most people speak English. Well, sort of English, and also a sort of Spanish. But, they do understand each other, and that should be what language is for. So, does it really matter that their grammar is poor, that they cannot spell if their lives depended on it, and that their vocabulary consists of large number of four-letter words?

This disregard for the language rules and for the beauty of well-constructed sentences, which surely makes poor Shakespeare turn in his grave, is a global phenomenon. We now mostly communicate using internet, and internet is an international playground. It is evidently creating its own language, some sort of retarded Esperanto ( an artificial language created in hope that it would replace all languages), vaguely based on English. Most of the web content is created by non-native English speakers, who produce the content in writing sweatshop factories for ridiculously small amounts of money. I know, I compete against them for freelance writing jobs. I am not a language snob. I worked all over the world, and learned many languages to a very poor level, just so that I would be able to communicate. So, I am willing to give allowances for the benefit of global communication and sharing information. But, things are getting out of control. Try this, for example, it is an excerpt from a blog on home security: "The first reason that this system is established in your mind to create. Once you know your> House is safe, so you will feel safe inside or outside your home. Do not worry about unwanted threats because you are at home protection." Are we communicating, or what? I am not blaming poor writers in Pakistan or India, who are trying to make a few bucks. I blame employers, who are willing to accept this appallingly poor level of writing in order to save money. There are people who write well, even in India or Pakistan, but they value their knowledge and would not work for peanuts. The consequences are far reaching. Our kids do not read books any more, they read blogs. They will learn this miserable English, thinking that it is fine. It is not fine. It is very unfine. Or maybe I am an intellectual snob, and what is happening to the language is the future and, very soon, while I am bitching from my jungle, people will start using emoticons instead of words to communicate.
Until next bitching session,
Your Marina
Ecohouseutila

How to do nothing and do it well - move to Utila and learn from experts

Doing nothing is a sin. In Christianity it is called ‘slothfulness’ and it is seriously frowned upon. Doing nothing means that you are not being a productive and successful member of the society. Operative word being ‘successful’, not happy. To be respected and admired, you have to be successful. You have to work and not waste too much time on idle pastime like sleeping, walking, reading, or just doing nothing.

Why do we feel guilty when we do nothing, when we are just sitting in the garden watching leaves rustle? We feel like we should be doing something. Our entire civilization is based on work. When we are on vacation, we cannot relax because we are not used to doing nothing.

Of course, this is not universal. This is mostly North American invention, and the disease spread to some circles of societies in other parts of the word. Otherwise, other cultures are doing much better. Italians and French have two hour-lunches, sipping their espressos for hours while watching beautiful girls or boys pass by. Latinos invented siesta – they take two hours break during the hottest part of the day and do nothing. Asians, especially Taoist and Buddhist, meditate and in general spend large amount of time contemplating things like their navels, or cherry blossoms and rock gardens. Africans will watch white mountaintops, or wildebeest migration, for hours.

So, what is wrong with us? Why do we have to travel around the world to learn from other cultures that doing nothing is, well, not doing nothing. It is part of normal spiritual life to contemplate, reflex, let senses do the work without the mind interfering. All we have to do is accept that we need spiritual life. It is not as easy as you think. Spiritual life brings to mind spirits and flaky aunt Thelma and her crystals. Spiritual is not part of Western culture. But, it better become soon, because we are burning out.

What kind of life this is: we work 35 hours a week (if we are not lawyers) mostly to make money. Then we use that money to buy cars, clothes, makeup, computer, Blackberry, briefcase - and who knows what else – in order to work. We spend so much time preparing for work and resting from work and thinking about work that we do not have any time to live. And then we die. So, we better learn to be idle from time to time, as a sort of interim period. Come to Utila and learn from the best.

Yours, slothfully,

Marina Ecohouseutila

How to make money from your hammock in Utila, or freelancing rocks

This is not the advice on how to make a lot of money, or how to become rich. I would not know a first thing about it. It is about how to make just enough money so that you do not have to worry about the price of baleadas, or how to pay your last tab at Tranquila. I have to thank my friend Nicole for discovering the delights of freelancing and for infecting Utila with it. There is a lot of talent on the island, we just did not know how to cash it. What can you do with the Masters Degree in Sustainable Development on the island? We also have architects, accountants, professors of various sciences, former Microsoft staff, engineers, and many other highly trained people who left their diplomas with their winter clothes in the storage wherever they came from.
So, what is required to become a money-earning freelancer? First, you have to actually have some skills. Preferably computer-related skills. Translations, writing, blogging, web design, graphic design, programming, and everything related to those, are easily done via internet, anywhere.
I have to warn you that it pays peanuts. Indians and Pakistanis are destroying the market by accepting ridiculous prices for their skills. They probably can live on $1 a day, so they accept to be paid $1 for a four-page essay, but we cannot. Not even in Utila. Fortunately, we can compete with quality, and there are still some, although not many, employers who demand quality (and can recognize it when they see it). Check out Freelancer.com, Elance. com and Guru.com, they do not require any advance payment. They charge percentage from your earnings, once you have some.
You realize now that you also have to have a computer, and internet connection is useful, but not vital. You can always order a cup of coffee and sit at the Driftwood and write your stuff. You might have to pay them a percentage one day, but by then you will probably be able to afford Frankie's $60 per month for the internet connection.
The best part of freelancing is that you can accept as many or as few assignments as you like. There are many jobs advertised as 'full time online help', requiring you to sit at the computer 8 hours a day and be someone's virtual secretary. If I wanted 9-5 job, I would have stayed in Canada and used my expensive education. The goal is to work on your terms, when you feel for it. There are days when I work whole day, or night, and others when I just want to play with my new kitten, or drink with Alabama or with Shane and Kirstin. We come back to what brought us to Utila: freedom to choose our way of life.
How much money can you make freelancing? Probably as much as you want, depending on how much you want to work. I am happy if I make $120 a week, that covers all the dog and cat food, my food, rum, coke, Belmont and occasional visit to Babaloo, my favorite watering hole, where my friend Dado bitches about the state of affairs in the world in general and serves decent Cuba Libre, which is posh name for rum and coke. You can have beer too if you insist.
Talk to you again soon
Your Marina, Ecohouseutila